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CHAPTER ONE – MALLORY

There were three things I needed to be written on a t-shirt for every stranger who passed me in the street

Red was my nail color

Dry shareatest invention since humans evolved

I ithout a doubt, the biggest walking disaster since… well, humans evolved

Of course there were a lot of other things I could say to describeI had the gravitational center of a bouncy ball My tolerance for alcohol orld-record worthy, and if I ever wanted to regain any of the dignity I’d lost thanks to a cracked sidewalk right before senior proain

Even three inches was pushing it

I much preferred zero

In fact, I preferred not to wear shoes at all If I earing shoes, there was a better-than-average chance I was leaving the house

If I was leaving the house, I was socializing

And let ht noas not a socializer

You could keep your fancy-schmancy parties and your loud-ass bars and clubs

I wanted uins on

Yes, I was a closet eighty-year-old, and no, I didn’t give a shit what anyone thought about that

In my not-so-humble and far-too-frequently-expressed opinion, I was a twenty-five-year-old grandrandchildren, and I was totally okay with that

I mean, I could barely keep myself alive, so there wasn’t a chance in hell I’d be able to keep two generations ofwithout some kind of divine intervention

Don’t believe me?

I was living within student debt, can’t live onwith my parents

No, it was three years post flying the nest, lived onwith my parents