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CHAPTER ONE – MALLORY
There were three things I needed to be written on a t-shirt for every stranger who passed me in the street
Red was my nail color
Dry shareatest invention since humans evolved
I ithout a doubt, the biggest walking disaster since… well, humans evolved
Of course there were a lot of other things I could say to describeI had the gravitational center of a bouncy ball My tolerance for alcohol orld-record worthy, and if I ever wanted to regain any of the dignity I’d lost thanks to a cracked sidewalk right before senior proain
Even three inches was pushing it
I much preferred zero
In fact, I preferred not to wear shoes at all If I earing shoes, there was a better-than-average chance I was leaving the house
If I was leaving the house, I was socializing
And let ht noas not a socializer
You could keep your fancy-schmancy parties and your loud-ass bars and clubs
I wanted uins on
Yes, I was a closet eighty-year-old, and no, I didn’t give a shit what anyone thought about that
In my not-so-humble and far-too-frequently-expressed opinion, I was a twenty-five-year-old grandrandchildren, and I was totally okay with that
I mean, I could barely keep myself alive, so there wasn’t a chance in hell I’d be able to keep two generations ofwithout some kind of divine intervention
Don’t believe me?
I was living within student debt, can’t live onwith my parents
No, it was three years post flying the nest, lived onwith my parents